The Kept Dad...R.I.P.

It is with a heavy heart that I must tell you The Kept Dad is.....EMPLOYED!?!

I know, it's hard to believe. Why just last week I was so vibrantly unproductive, lingering over the morning paper with a cup of coffee after the kids had left for school, browsing through a bookstore, doing just enough housework to justify my being a stay-at-home dad and keep my wife from realizing that I really don't have enough to do anymore with the older kids in school all day, and our youngest in preschool three full days a week. But now I am gainfully employed, well not technically yet, my employer still needs to contact my references and do a background check, but unless someone else with my exact name has been committing felonies, I should have a job in the next week or so.

I wasn't even really looking for work. I simply noticed that our school district was hiring for a classroom assistant at the elementary school where one of our friends happens to work. I mentioned this to my wife and her sister when we were having dinner, musing out loud if I should apply for it, and before I knew it they were texting our friend and arranging for me to visit the school to meet with the teacher and principal, and offering to help me with my resume. Even with this inside connection, I wasn't really expecting to get hired. After all, I haven't worked outside the home in almost ten years, and this is a tough job market. What were the odds that I would get the first and only job I applied for? Well, apparently being willingly unemployed for the last decade is the employment equivalent of playing hard to get, and is irresistible to employers. The employer thinks, hmm, he hasn't worked for years, hasn't even looked for a job in all that time, and he isn't really that interested in finding a job now, I'm so intrigued, I must have him.

So, the stay-at-home dad gravy train has pulled into its final station and my ticket has expired. I must say I blame you, my (un)faithful readers. If you had simply liked this blog a couple of million times on Facebook, or tweeted about it incessantly, it might have gone viral, and a book offer or television deal might be in the works. Maybe I would have been invited to appear on Ellen, or at least Valerie Bertinelli's talk show (She does have a talk show doesn't she? It's so hard to keep track of which B-list celebrities have talk shows nowadays. Heck, maybe I could have had my own talk show Keeping up with The Kept Dad). Don't any of you know someone who met someone who worked with someone who once delivered a pizza to Oprah's assistant's boyfriend? Is it too late to launch a Kickstarter Save The Kept Dad fundraising campaign? Oh well. It had to end sometime.

But all is not lost. While I may no longer be a full-time slacker, er, stay-at-home dad, let's be honest, my wife will still be making the vast majority of our income and will still be financially supporting our family. So while I may no longer be The Kept Dad, I will still be A Kept Dad, or maybe just a kept dad, lowercase.