My birthday is coming up in a few days, so my wife gave me the gift of making me an appointment for a prostate exam. I know, I'm a lucky man to have such a thoughtful wife. I can't wait for Christmas, when she'll probably schedule me for a root canal. Of course, I'm already a couple of years delinquent in getting my exhaust system checked out, so if she hadn't made the appointment, I probably would have put it off for another year or twelve, but can you blame me? It's a prostate exam!
My former doctor closed her practice, so this was the first time I had seen my new doctor. It was like an awkward first date as we exchanged pleasantries and made small talk, all the while skirting the reason for my visit. There just isn't an elegant way to segue from "so how's your wife doing" to "drop 'em and spread 'em." As we spoke, I surreptitiously glanced at his hands, trying to evaluate the size of his fingers. Sensing my nervousness, he said that I could get the exam on my next visit, but that would mean I had made a $20.00 co-pay just to chat up my doctor. As my wife would tell you, I am notoriously frugal (actually she would probably say I am an incredible cheapskate). The sanctity of my prostate wasn't worth twenty bucks. Might as well get it over with. As he snapped on the gloves and I bent over the exam table, I began to have second thoughts. Be gentle, Doc!
I'll spare you the details. Ladies, you have your annual, we over-40 guys have our anal-ual. I'm not sure which is more embarrassing and uncomfortable. We won't ask you about yours if you don't ask us about ours. It was pretty quick and not exactly painful, so much as discomforting, like pooping in reverse, if you can imagine such a thing. Afterwards I quickly made the walk of shame out of the office to my car. In case you were wondering, everything checked out fine. I have to get going now. My wife is turning 40 next month, so I need to get her the perfect gift...a mammogram.
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